My Resume for being a decent human being.

My Decent Human Being resume:

  • I move earth worms from concrete to grass.
  • Stray grocery carts in the parking lot get placed in their proper spots when I’m around…I also feel obligated to bring the CVS cart back inside – There’s no where to put it! I want to write them a letter about it, but I don’t – So that makes me feel decent too.
  • I give the buttered parts of the toast to my dog – Even the LAST bite.
  • I concern myself with the feelings of others…to a fault – I actually practice trying to NOT worry about what other people think…it’s downright tough.
  • My goal in life is to be the best version of me…whoever that may be. I enjoy exploring my options:)
  • It bothers me that paved roads have separated trees and created roadkill.
  • Some mornings…the beauty of the sunrise actually brings me to tears.
  • I openly admit to having double standards.
  • I don’t enjoy compliments.
  • I pray for squirrels.
  • A butterfly’s near miss at death by windshield fills my soul with relief.
  • I apologize to my children.
  • I pray for celebrities. For real – I prayed for Brit through the rough patch.

Seriously, I feel like I should be lying on a couch, discussing these things with a paid professional. You readers will have to suffice.

  • I lie awake at night worrying that I’m scarring my children…praying to be a better mother.
  • I give my stuff away – Like, for real…a cashier complimented my shoes the other day and I asked her if she wanted them. I’m pretty sure she took offense, but I can’t control that.
  • I find it amusing when people are rude to me for no reason. It literally makes my day sometimes.
  • I love proving myself wrong and doing something just plain stupid…“You thought you were so smart, eh???” lol
  • If I have to go back home for something…or get turned around in traffic – I always assume that my life has just been saved. No such thing as a coincidence in traffic, y’all.
  • I really like imperfections.
  • Sometimes metaphors feel like reality to me.
  • I can’t stand politics.

 

:))))))) Hopefully I get the position as a decent human being! lol

XOXO, Beck

 

Keepin’ Gas X handy.

You can’t make this stuff up…

So – I’m just gonna share an alleged day in the life of me and my friends – Allegedly.

First and foremost, before I even get to my jobby-job – This is what I deal with…

I have a four year old that’s trying my nerves in a more for-real way than usual. For instance – The milk needs to be chocolate and strawberry combined, he must stir it. The television needs to be on Sprout in the living room…after he’s played with his cars and trains for about 30 minutes in the morning. He must be awake for his Sprout programs. His iPad needs to be loading a new game every thirty minutes – Preferably every Angry Birds edition that exists. Cupcakes are to be had for breakfast, lunch & dinner – Oh, and, “I want my daddy!” is set on replay for each time Mommy sets him straight…which is all freaking day long.

All.

Freaking.

Day.

Long.

Until I actually call Dad and let him try to talk some sense into said four year old – Then Momma will do again.

Also on replay are,

“I don’t want to do that.”

“No.”

“I want to be good!”

I just can not even.

Can.

Not.

Even.

***

This was the start of the day…

It got better.

So…An alleged customer enters my alleged place of business and says to one of my lovely alleged co-workers – And I’m gonna paraphrase, ’cause I can’t quite remember…

“Can I speak to someone in charge? I just want to tell them what a great job y’all have done on our ____! It looks great!”

Enters bossman – Stage Left…

“Hello, there…How can I help you?”

And then she rips him a new one…

Metaphorically speaking.

My alleged co-worker was literally speechless. Who does that? Who tells such a blatant lie? Ruthless alleged customers, that’s who. Part of me was like, “You go, girl.” The other part of me was like all kinds of other things I won’t type out.

SMH. (that’s shaking my head for you mid-whatevers. I had to google it a few years back.)

***

After this lovely occurrence – We carried on with our day and just SOHs (shook our heads) every now and again upon remembrance…Then came another couple of ’em – You know, the crazies.

“Uh, yeah – I bought this at another ____ store and need y’all to warranty it.”

We reasonably begin our reply, “We can’t…”

The alleged customer rebukes the alleged owner of the company and storms out.

What is wrong with people?

What.

Is.

Wrong.

With.

People.

?

***

My oldest daughter and I then go to Orange Leaf for a treat after I took her to the doctor. Y’all, she had infected bug bites on her ankles.

Yuck.

SO…We went to Orange Leaf…allegedly:) They need to make more money off of all of us, so they no longer weigh your yogurt – They just sell you a tiny cup of it for a stinking $5. Mag and I get to the checkout and I lift the cup up to the cashier and say, “This is pitiful.” She replies,

“I know – We ran out of tart base. We’ll have more in later on this week.”

What???

I then told her, “No. The size of the cup for $5 is pitiful.”

My 10 year old leans over and whispers in my ear,

“You just told her…”

I.

Die.

It’s so fun when they can make you laugh and put you in your place at the same time:)

***

My favorite, though, was when the alleged 75 year old crackish-head entered the store with an unreasonable ____ need and we, in our most sensible way, let him know we couldn’t get him what he needed…he wanted to know our identities, “What’s your name?” He asks one guy, then one girl…then he asks me the same question.

No.

I don’t even look up from my papers when I reply,

“You don’t need to know my name.”

He laughs and accepts my response. Then replies,

“Y’all’s company is crazy ass cool.”

Crazy.

Ass.

Cool.

My alleged co-worker/cousin and I decided that this should be the new hashtag for our t-shirts.

There was more that happened with this dude and his amazon lady sidekick – But it just pales in comparison to his summation of our company.

Simply pales in comparison.

Oh, and my co-workers allegedly said that I’m abrasive.

Please.

Me?

Whatever – It keeps the crazies walking the other direction.

πŸ˜‰

***

Seriously…you can’t make this stuff up.

I look at my alleged female co-worker and say,

“I hope tomorrow is this much fun.”

She looks at me like I’ve lost my ever-loving mind.

And in that moment I realized,

This place has totally gotten to me.

I’ve lost my

Ever.

Loving.

Mind.

And I’m cool with it…’cause my alleged place of business is crazy ass cool.

***

I hope y’all work somewhere that you can laugh so hard you let a toot slip – For real…I keep Gas X in my drawer. My alleged job is a laugh a minute:)

XOXO, Beck

torture treatment.Β 

Here’s an impromptu list of things I “dislike greatly” about house-cleaning. My momma taught me to use this code-saying when hate comes to mind. 

***

Cleaning the trash can. Really?

Checking the dishes out the dishwasher before putting them up. 

Dusting fans. (I leave them running to distract)

Cleaning urine off bathroom WALLS. I can accept toilets. Not. Walls. 

Putting folded clothes away. Honorary mention goes to…Separating the clothes – Hauling the separated clothes to the laundry room – Washing the separated, hauled clothes – Thrice-fluffing and carrying the separated, hauled, washed clothes to the “dining” room table – Noticing the separated, hauled, washed, thrice-fluffed, carried clothes on the table all week – Folding the separated, hauled, washed, thrice-fluffed, carried, noticed clothes on the communal dressing table. And then comes the afore mentioned putting away of the whole lot of them. I don’t have time to discuss my disdain for the second putting away of the clothes. It’s convoluted and makes me look bad. I can’t have that. 

Cleaning casserole dishes out of the fridge.  Leftovers can only be my excuse, for not cleaning the blasted 13x9s, for so long. 

Changing sheets. 

Dusting blinds. Ridiculous. 

I’m trying to think of another word for sweeping or dusting or cleaning that really makes it sound like it feels…Ok. Here goes one – Torturing the corners under the kitchen cabinets…There’s forever a frosted flake and a macaroni noodle hanging with a wayward dustbunny down there. 

Torture. 

Torture. 

Torture. 

There are so many more…But I’ve got to get back to the torture – So the torture can be completed and shortly thereafter begin once again. 

*Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh*

XOXO, Beck

I’m such a hypocrite.

So…I have pretty much made a stand against New Year’s resolutions for the past several years – Making fun, and choosing to revolt against reforming to such traditions – Dissolving the resolve… Well, I made a resolution this year and I didn’t even realize that I’d done it until about a month into it.

I accidentally made a New Year’s resolution.

Geez.

What did I resolve to dissolve, you might ask? Brace yourselves…Seriously, you may want to sit down.

I have chosen to drink no alcohol for an entire year. GASP! Looks of abhorrence ensue… Yep. I did decide this. For my friends that don’t drink any alcohol – Kudos to you. For real – I’m not being a douche about it, that’s awesome. To all of you other heathens – Kudos to you too. I’m sure there’s a reason that you partake. This is how my drinking has progressed…

First child: Diet sodas. Had to put down those yummy Dr. Peppers and lose some baby weight.

Second child: Coffee. No explanation required.

Third child: Wine. Wine. Wine.

And this is why I never had a fourth – who KNOWS what would have been next on the list! I can only guess it would have started with nar and ended with cotics. Just keeping it real, y’all. SO, back to the matter at hand…I have given up wine for anΒ ENTIRE year. For those of you that don’t know me super well – When I decide to do something, it’s pretty well done. I am a freaking pitbull when I set my mind on a goal. My husband would describe me more like a pesky mosquito that just won’t land long enough for its life to be snuffed out – BUT…I digress.

I’ll be giving you guys a monthly update on the Me Sans Alcohol Project – I know you’re SUPER excited!!! πŸ™‚

***

This month!

 

I only wanted to take a drink when:

I was eating steak…

I had to eat a 3 hour long formal dinner while vacationing…

I was walking around my house…

I was folding clothes…

I was watching television…

I was typing up a blog… πŸ˜‰

***

That’s it so far!

Seriously though – I get really bad migraines and I’m eliminating unnecessaries out of my diet, one item at a time. I felt really good about the decision to stop drinking wine. It was almost like a burden was lifted from me – Like my spirit had been waiting for me to decide this for a while. Even if it doesn’t take my migraines away – I know that it was something that I needed to do for myself. And honestly, I have felt freed from it…like it was this extra thing in my life that just needed to go.

So I made a resolution…I have a smirk on my face right now – If I knew how to put an emoji on this confounded computer, I would. Anyhoo! I’ll give you guys another update in March! Until then…Happy virgin pina colada to y’all!

XOXO, Beck

 

Unlock the closet door… She’s coming out!

So I’m learning more and more that The Beck…moi – is a closet anti- social. It’s really sad. I’m trying to not be so much like me – but dadgumit, it’s just difficult. I swear, I think I’ve depleted all of my social skillz in the past few days. And y’all – I ain’t really done much mixin’ unt minglin’.

You know – I love to catch a giggle and a cup of coffee with a new face, I really do. But when momma turtle is ready to get back in her cozy shell…in all of her bra-less, cozy-socked, glasses wearing glory…do not – I repeat DO NOT try to stop her. That turtle hoe will make your mixing miserable. She certainly will.

My hubby and I, along with his sis and hubs are cruising together this week. They have made fun of my granny butt every day so far! It’s cool…I told them that the beauty of an adult vacation is that we can do whatever we want, and I happen to want to go to sleep early – At least early by cruise ship standards.

Hey, why is no one making fun of them for going to a comedy show at midnight? MIDNIGHT for crying out loud! Geez. I’m tip toeing around our room at the late hour of 7:30 AM trying to get a dern cup of that good black drank and have my morning soak in the tub. So far I’ve averaged about 3 hot baths a day on this vacation. All by my anti-social self! Lol…

SO – Will I be working on this somehow negatively looked upon characteristic of mine?

No.

Hockey sticks, no.

I don’t see the point.

To all my closet anti-socials out there…Cheers! To all you others…I’ll be in bed at 10 tonight watching TBS while you find the happening spot on the cruise ship – And only ’cause they made me eat dinner at 8:30 PM – Otherwise it woulda been around 9…or 8:30:)


XOXO, Beck