Yeah, I’m cool with me.

“You sure do love yourself, don’t you.”

“Yeah, I’m cool with me.”

***

I just didn’t know what to think the first time my cousin said this to me. It was a few years ago – He had been following my Instagram and Facebook accounts for a bit…and this was his assessment of me. I think the first time that he said it, rather, typed it…it was meant to be an insult. I felt that his summation of me was a jab at the very core of who Becky Moore didn’t want to be. Then again, it could have just been said in passing…but I know it wasn’t.

My cousin is very deep…very intelligent…very much a thinker. Many people don’t see it, but those of us who choose to love him know that he is more than what you see on the surface…or hear – ‘Cause he’s a vocal son of a gun;) So…I’m getting off subject – He pointed out the fact that I love myself and I automatically went on the defensive. I automatically thought that he was sending negative juju in my direction.

It bothered me – more than bothered me that he saw me this way – As vain. I’m not going to kid myself and say that I’m not vain in any way, shape or form…I am – But I really don’t want my entire existence to revolve around my own happiness…I don’t. This person that’s in my life – Good or bad – got me to thinking – His simple statement MADE me think about how I saw myself…how I felt about myself.

There are times in life that you just have to stop what you’re doing and reflect. I have been doing that for about the last three years. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things – I’ve been trying to see myself as I really am. I’m not so sure that it really matters if I see myself honestly…Why, You may ask? Well, my feelings seem to be ever-changing…how can I tell if I’m being objective?!? And will it change anything? Truthfully, the more I’ve tried to make sense of the girl looking back at me in the mirror – The more I’ve learned to love her.

I have always seen myself as someone that needs to prove herself – Someone that needs to be the best at what she’s good at and leave the other stuff for someone else to perfect. I’ve always been a good singer, so I’ve worked hard my entire life to be the best that I can be. I was never a very good student – So for the most part, I failed honestly in the classroom. My poor parents and grandparents. Nana and Papa would always ask me the same question every time I saw them…“How are you doing in school, Rebecca?” When I was in college, I finally started being honest with them…“I’d rather not talk about it.” They’d try to move on to something else – But education was the only thing…and it wasn’t my thing – So I just sorta felt like I wasn’t enough.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve chosen to see myself differently…I’ve made a conscious effort to see myself as enough. I’m amazed at the gifts that God has given me – And when I try to look at myself the way He looks at me…I just feel love. He lets me sing like a bird for Him…for me – And I can do this WHENEVER I feel like it…I don’t have to be in the studio – or behind a microphone. And you know what?…I know my God hears every note – I know He sees the condition of my heart when it’s pouring out melodies just for Him. He delights in me and I just can’t help but be so very thankful for that simple, yet complex fact. I just can’t get away from the truth of His love for me. The good and the bad…He takes joy in my silliness…in my openness with Him – In my openness with others. He loves that I decided that I wanted to paint and I did it the only way I knew how…my way. He loves that I bought a guitar and have no idea how to play it…Maybe one day:) When I look at myself the way Christ does…I can’t help but be cool with me.

So when my cousin stated for the second time…“We all know Becky loves herself…And me too, I love myself.” I heard what he said with a new set of ears. I heard him say to me – “I love you Beck. You and I are a lot alike and that makes me feel better about just being me.”  

XOXO, Beck

 

  Some things can’t be unseen. 

I saw something that truly scared me in one of my own today. A Becky Moore lecture ensued. Our conversation went about like this…

“Yeah, our teacher showed us a video of President Kennedy being shot last year. We saw his head get blown off.”

“I know, you told me…”

My eldest offspring then commenced to do a slight reenactment…

“Maggie, I didn’t agree with her showing you that. There are some things that are  better left unseen.

You do know that you’re old enough to say that you’d rather not watch those kinds of videos, right?”

“I wanted to see it.”

This is where Mother Dearest began her passion-filled speech…

“Maggie – Right now, there are Christians being murdered for believing in Jesus Christ. And do you want to know how they are being slain? Your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ – Your people – are being beheaded. Mothers and fathers are witnessing their children be murdered right before their very eyes. Sons and daughters are forced to watch their momma’s and daddy’s lives be brutally ended.

This is not something to take lightly.”

She looked at me and nodded throughout the entirety of my talk…Then – knowing she had nothing more to add, she changed the subject to the cereal she was eating.

*Sigh*

Y’all…I don’t want to raise a sensationalist. She needs to learn RIGHT NOW to fight her natural urge to view an act of violence in order to feed some undefined sick personal need of hers. She needs to protect her spirit…her innocence.

I just wanted to share this with y’all. I’m so thankful that God gives me these opportunities to steer my children – His children, toward Him and away from self. I’m learning just as much, if not more, from our Heavenly Father through these teaching opportunities than my kids. I  pray she really takes this one to heart…

God bless and protect y’all.

XOXO, Beck

The Man.

When the cameras at work were first installed, I thought about every move I made…until I noticed that my desk was just shy of viewing range;) – Seriously, I thought about the way I counted the drawer in, the way I addressed my customers, the looks I made when my lovely boss called me into her office…And when I thought that I could dance like a madwoman because no one was watching – I would quickly remember…someone is definitely watching – And then I’d just make sure my moves were wicked on-point for The Man’s viewing pleasure. But alas, the hyper awareness I had for the rolling cameras slowly began to fade. It took about two weeks for me forget that they were there and carry on with my halfwayedness…well my halfway halfwayedness – I would say my one thirdedness. I’m pretty good…for the most past – Or pretty bad for the least part…Whatever. I kinda forgot to be good all the time.

No one called me in when I didn’t count the drawer in that morning – ‘Cause I had just counted it the night before and I could tell the the bills looked the same and who’s gonna steal just change? No one called me in when I told the customer that it would be a minimum twenty dollar service charge for me to dig his nasty o’ring out of the lid he began to steer in my general direction. “Sir, you can take that o’ring out. I believe in you.” No one called me in when I put my palm to my face at having to get up from my comfy chair to assist my favorite boss. No one called me in to compliment my exemplary dance moves that they’d never imagined existed. No one seemed to care that I was just being me...ALL the time. The good, the bad, the outspoken, the sarcastic, the daring, the ridiculous… the me I am one hundred percent of the time. So…since no one ever said anything – I just kept on doing me, and getting paid for it.

Sometimes, I think that I forget that God is watching…that He sees all, hears all, knows all. I used to be so aware. I made a point to try harder – To be a better version of me. Then I got used to the fact that he was always there…I even sometimes forgot about Him. I’d say something vulgar, because…That’s just me…I can’t help but be me, right? I’d do something halfway…Hurry up and say my prayer…Hurry up and read my bible – Check…Check…I’m busy being me…I can’t help it, right? I’d be jealous of someone else’s time, relationships, freedom…etc. etc., but I can’t help the way I think, right?

It’s not okay for me to accept the negative aspects of my personality just because they come so easily to me. It’s not okay. I HAVE to try and be more that what comes easily to me. I have to remember that God is watching, and He is who I am aiming to please…Because if I keep on being okay with being one third of who I could be – I’m only trying to please myself…and what good comes from that? I need to not be alright with being less than who God intends for me to be. I have to remember that the Holy Spirit is residing in this gal…that He is ever-present in my daily walk with Christ. I have to be less of my less and more of His more.

Goodness gracious…I know this post is all over the place – But this is me working out my salvation and hopefully helping you guys see that we’re all in this together:)

To God be the Glory…XOXO, Beck

Poetic therapy…

A little honesty for ya today… Before I started getting some help dealing with my emotions recently, I typed this out. Just feeling like sharing the feelings this morning. Everybody goes through unimaginably tough times and tragic losses in their lives…and a lot of people look like they’re just fine – But inside of them is a storm raging…Don’t be too quick to judge or be angry at folks – You never know what’s going on with them.

***

You look at me

And you think…

“She’s got it all together.”

But what you can’t see…

Is my heart is Caught up

In stormy weather.

***

It’s a thin thread

That’s holding me together…

And I wonder when

It’s gonna give out on me.

***

I look strong,

But I know differently…

I know how easily

My heart can break…

How little it takes

For my heart to bleed.

***

I pray this storm doesn’t

Take it all…

Completely strip me down to

Nothing but empty walls.

***

But if it does…

My foundation’s strong.

I can build again…

But not alone.

***

Father, don’t let this

Storm be for nothing…

Repair this broken 

Heart of mine…

Make it like yours.

***

Love you guys…XOXO, Beck

Opposition is a good thing.

Why is it that we’re so afraid of opposition?

Why do I get upset when someone asks me, “Are you sure?”
Why do I think negatively of the individual on the back row of church that’s not so positive that we’re doing things quite right?
Why is it that I have a hard time being told, “No.”
Why is it that the positive preaching wizard on the boob-tube sends my heart rate to the sky?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately…this thing that makes me – makes you, perhaps – need everyone in my circle to be of the same mindset as me. The problem with most of us is that we subconsciously seek validation for our decisions – our lifestyles – our poor choices, maybe…through the yes, of courses of the social groups that we mix and mingle with.

I have a naturally defensive nature. It’s one of the multiple thorns in my side. I deal with it on a minute by minute basis…always have. Perhaps it’s a middle child thing…perhaps, not;) It’s taken quite a lot for me to be able to take the questioning of my motives as truly constructive – Even if the questioner is really trying to tell me that I’m wrong. It’s always a good idea to take a deeper look at your own motives. Get to know yourself – The good with the bad. I think it’s important to see yourself as flawed…as worth working on.

I have been thinking about the fact that we all play a role in this life…I can’t say for sure that I’ve come to a clear conclusion, but I’m on to this thought that maybe some people are here to be positive – some, to be combative – to a certain extent…And what if my whole life is meant to do this one thing…whatever that one thing may be – And it’s completely different from what you have to do.

Why do we feel like we have to be all things…to all people?

Why, when the little old lady/man on the back row of church voices their opinion – Which is opposite of yours, do you get your panties in a wad? Be glad that someone is challenging you! The Lord will show you through this opposition – And you having to question, or perhaps defend your views/choices – Whether it’s in line with His plan or not. Take that opposition as a blessing! Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think so…

As much as I know that this opposition is a good thing – Still…there are times that “No” is like a foreign word to me. When my husband says it – I feel like I need a translator – “Excuse e moi!?!” 🙂 Seriously, who in their right mind wants to be told yes all of the time? If you say you do – You’re lying. No one actually desires to have everything that they long for. Deprivation is essential in appreciating what you actually have – In appreciating the gifts that people thoughtfully gift you with.

And now to address my last point:)…
I’ll never understand people that have a problem with the preacher on t.v. talking about positive things. Good gravy…don’t you think I know that I’m a pretty lacking Christian, in part? It’s super nice to hear a dude talk about something that makes me happy about just being a child of God. MAYBE…just MAYBE, that’s his role in this life. I’m sure many arguments could be made against him…but what about you? Do you ever say or do anything that’s contradictory to your Christian faith? Leave the positive preachers alone, people! I love them, and so does God:)

Y’all…I think this is all I wanted to say…Whew!
You don’t need to be all things to all people. You need to use the special gifts that God has blessed you with for HIS glory. Help others outside of your comfort zone when you can – But focus on what God has tasked you with. And doesn’t it just feel so good to be in line with His will:) What is that essentially?
To love Him and share His love with your world, by using the gifts that He’s blessed you with.

I love you guys:)
XOXO, Beck