“You sure do love yourself, don’t you.”
“Yeah, I’m cool with me.”
I just didn’t know what to think the first time my cousin said this to me. It was a few years ago – He had been following my Instagram and Facebook accounts for a bit…and this was his assessment of me. I think the first time that he said it, rather, typed it…it was meant to be an insult. I felt that his summation of me was a jab at the very core of who Becky Moore didn’t want to be. Then again, it could have just been said in passing…but I know it wasn’t.
My cousin is very deep…very intelligent…very much a thinker. Many people don’t see it, but those of us who choose to love him know that he is more than what you see on the surface…or hear – ‘Cause he’s a vocal son of a gun;) So…I’m getting off subject – He pointed out the fact that I love myself and I automatically went on the defensive. I automatically thought that he was sending negative juju in my direction.
It bothered me – more than bothered me that he saw me this way – As vain. I’m not going to kid myself and say that I’m not vain in any way, shape or form…I am – But I really don’t want my entire existence to revolve around my own happiness…I don’t. This person that’s in my life – Good or bad – got me to thinking – His simple statement MADE me think about how I saw myself…how I felt about myself.
There are times in life that you just have to stop what you’re doing and reflect. I have been doing that for about the last three years. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things – I’ve been trying to see myself as I really am. I’m not so sure that it really matters if I see myself honestly…Why, You may ask? Well, my feelings seem to be ever-changing…how can I tell if I’m being objective?!? And will it change anything? Truthfully, the more I’ve tried to make sense of the girl looking back at me in the mirror – The more I’ve learned to love her.
I have always seen myself as someone that needs to prove herself – Someone that needs to be the best at what she’s good at and leave the other stuff for someone else to perfect. I’ve always been a good singer, so I’ve worked hard my entire life to be the best that I can be. I was never a very good student – So for the most part, I failed honestly in the classroom. My poor parents and grandparents. Nana and Papa would always ask me the same question every time I saw them…“How are you doing in school, Rebecca?” When I was in college, I finally started being honest with them…“I’d rather not talk about it.” They’d try to move on to something else – But education was the only thing…and it wasn’t my thing – So I just sorta felt like I wasn’t enough.
Over the past 3 years, I’ve chosen to see myself differently…I’ve made a conscious effort to see myself as enough. I’m amazed at the gifts that God has given me – And when I try to look at myself the way He looks at me…I just feel love. He lets me sing like a bird for Him…for me – And I can do this WHENEVER I feel like it…I don’t have to be in the studio – or behind a microphone. And you know what?…I know my God hears every note – I know He sees the condition of my heart when it’s pouring out melodies just for Him. He delights in me and I just can’t help but be so very thankful for that simple, yet complex fact. I just can’t get away from the truth of His love for me. The good and the bad…He takes joy in my silliness…in my openness with Him – In my openness with others. He loves that I decided that I wanted to paint and I did it the only way I knew how…my way. He loves that I bought a guitar and have no idea how to play it…Maybe one day:) When I look at myself the way Christ does…I can’t help but be cool with me.
So when my cousin stated for the second time…“We all know Becky loves herself…And me too, I love myself.” I heard what he said with a new set of ears. I heard him say to me – “I love you Beck. You and I are a lot alike and that makes me feel better about just being me.”