I know it might be hard to believe, but I’m actually a pretty modest individual. Why am I taking the time to point out this random fact that you probably have no business knowing and probably don’t care about? I had an experience with a masseuse. Yes, an experience worth expounding upon…an experience worth documenting.
Le Gawk: Staring at someone in a negative manner. Assessing an individual with wide eyes and dropped jaw, while slightly shaking one’s head from left to right.
“Head masseuse Sue Anne couldn’t help but gawk at Becky’s cellulite and back acne…Good thing her face was strategically covered with a towel. “
That towel is MEANT to hide Le Gawk, not shield my tender eyes from unnatural lighting. Yep. Le gawk takes away from Le Tip…and we can’t have that. Let me tell you something, this man-handed lady decided to pass out many-a tips to me this fine and fresh AM. For starters…She tsked me for not getting more massages…especially with the lifestyle that I lead. Huh? Girlfriend, I majored in Pillow Fluffing and minored in Foot Propping. I may not have the degree to show for it, but I learned enough to earn a decent living. Seriously though, she had quite a bit to say about my weak, unhealthy muscles and the way that I take care of myself. I’m unhealthy and weak. I passionately dislike Le Gawker.
Passionately dislike: Deep dislike that borderlines on hate. *
*Individuals that use the term “Passionately dislike” were taught not to hate – Therefore, passionately disliking anything basically equates to hate.
SO…She told me that my muscles were unhealthy AFTER she completed exposed my hooha.
I. Was. Mortified.
Massages have always made me very uncomfortable. Weird, huh? This woman’s hands have been trained to knead the stress right outta me…it does the exact opposite to this chick. It’s just unnatural to get buck-naked on a table with just a thin white sheet – Probably a Fred’s special – covering your EVERYTHING. But there’s just something about an uncomfortable situation that I have a difficult time turning down. Turn down for what? Just about nothin’, y’all.
Just about nothin’.
I am a sucker for the awkward. Several times throughout the never-ending massage, I thought to myself…”Self, if your inner-dialogue could be heard…They’d kick your white, cellulite-ridden boohonkus right outta this joint! AND probably charge you extra for your potty thoughts, after washing you brain’s mouth out.”
I thought back to that thought…”Whew, I don’t think we have to worry about that…but just in case – Let’s try to clean it up, up there. K?”
Then ol’ Sue Anne had me turn over…she pulled the sheet COMPLETELY off of me and I swear, I tried not to see if she looked, but I did it anyway…SHE LOOKED! My brain was literally speechless. That just does not happen. No, it does not. It didn’t take her long to realize that I haven’t had any work done – I’m surprised she didn’t recommend a lift along with my new alkaline diet and weekly massages and muscle cleanse and psychiatrist and so on and so on…Le sigh. Too much information? Too much information.
So here’s a quick recap:
She exposed my hooha – Kneaded my rearus endus like she was trying to activate the yeast prior to sliding my buns into the oven…Good Lord, please don’t let it expand anymore – Passionate dislike* – Commented SEVERAL times on the weak and unhealthy condition of my muscles…”Even your arms are bad!” – Rolled me over and checked out my extra large pancakes – Told me that I was still sexy, even after having three children – Sold me some stuff to fix me all up!
I am a sucker for being a sucker, y’all. And now? I’m eating French fries, and pepperoni pizza and passionately liking it. 😉