I’m too much like me.

I’ve been chewing on a thought recently…I have yet to pinpoint the exact subject matter, though. I think if I just keep typing it’ll work itself out…We’ll see about that, huh! So…this goes back – WAY back. See me as a young preteen. I’m in church…singing, trying to pretend that I’m listening to the preacher, planning my next move – Lunch. The clock finally strikes noon and Sunday morning service begins to wrap up – Sing again…Pray…Dismiss…Confrontation.

Yes, confrontation. Normally I am the confronter, not the confronted – It’s just factual. A suspect friend stops me before I make my long awaited exit. We’re face to face, she looks me directly in the eyes and states, “I don’t like you.” Um, hello…We are NOT Catholic, keep your confession between you and the Lord. I do not absolve you. I automatically inquire, “Why?” Do you want to know what she said to me? I’m gonna tell you…”You’re too outgoing.”

Yes, too outgoing. I can pinpoint that incident in my life as my first “Aha” moment. Up to that point, I had no reason to think that someone wouldn’t like me – Wouldn’t LOVE me. I thought that everyone saw me through the same blue-rimmed glasses that I viewed myself through – Funny…Artistic…Kind…Quirky…Outgoing. When I replay that memory in my mind, I can’t help but feel gratitude for that person and her honesty. I mean, she honestly didn’t need to tell me that, BUT…it taught me a few huge life lessons.

The lesson was that we all see good differently. The lesson was that everyone will not like me. The lesson was that I don’t have to change who I am to please someone else. The lesson was that I should take the time to view myself through a different set of lenses. The lesson was that the truth will confront you when you’re trying to make an exit. I saw my outgoing nature as a positive aspect of my personality – This person did not.

It’s taken me a really long time accept that I am not everyone’s cup of tea…or coffee;) If I was confronted with the same situation today, I think the conversation would go something like this…”Becky, I don’t like you.” Laughing on the inside at the absurdity of a grown woman making this obscure proclamation, I would reply, “Me either. I’m a real tool sometimes.” The lesson is that you gotta be honest with yourself or the honesty of others will astound you. Be the first to astound yourself…Or something like that. 🙂

Here’s a poem I recently penned…

***

Your clouded view of me
Can’t stifle my shine.
When I see my reflection
In your glossy words,
I see this woman…
This woman with my eyes,
My figure, my hair…
But I don’t recognize her.
It took me a minute,
But I’ve figured out why…
It’s the same soul that
We don’t share.

***

You simply view me differently.

I have yet to determine if

That’s bad or good, necessarily.

I don’t know why I care,

But I do.

Hopefully not so much

That I lose sight of the real me…

I happen to like my sunny

Disposition, you see.

***

Your clouded view of me
Can’t stifle my shine.
When I see my reflection
In your glossy words,
I see this woman…
This woman with my eyes,
My figure, my hair…
But I don’t recognize her.
It took me a minute,
But I’ve figured out why…
It’s the same soul that
We don’t share.

***

One of these days

I’ll learn to accept

That every heart crossing my path

Will not connect with

Or embrace me in a positive way.

I hope to stay open to change…

To growth…

And still remain,

True to me.

I hope to stay strong and

Not bend too easily.

***

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You alone.

My church has caught on fire, both literally and figuratively speaking.

My first instinct was to be utterly devastated when I found out that a Sunday school class…Prayer room…Choir room…were all burned beyond recognition. Then I thought to myself…

Fire burns away the old so that new growth can occur.

It’s easy to fall into a pit of devastation and Woe is me way of thinking…but we have HOPE in Christ Jesus! When I choose to look towards the hope that is my Heavenly Father…I can overcome, through His power, ANYTHING! Can I get an Amen?!?

I pray that my church family continues to experience the abundance that only Christ Jesus can offer. We are so blessed, as Christians, to rely NOT on ourselves…But on HIM! What a relief it is to know that I am nothing – HE is everything.

***

I was inspired to write this from a sermon that my pastor preached a few Sundays back…

***

It doesn’t take much faith

To trust in You…

When my life seems to be going great,

When it’s going my way…

But when my spirit is rocked,

And my clear skies

Ever so quickly turn dark…

***

You alone have the answers

That I seek…

You alone can meet my every need.

You alone can grant my soul peace.

***

I fall on my face…

I cry out to You,

Pleading, “Save me, Lord!

Please save me from

this mess I’ve made.”

You’re faithful.

You show up every

Single time…

And the rain that once fell 

Steadily…

Slowly retreats.

***

Lord, You alone are the answer

That I seek.

You alone meet my every need.

You alone grant my soul peace.

***

My spirit is a garden,

Bathed in Your light.

You’re sanctification…

It’s secure.

It’s complete.

***

Lord, You alone are the answer

That I seek.

You alone meet my every need.

You alone grant my soul peace.

***

So real…It’s scary.

Here’s a Halloween inspired list of hauntingly strange things that I can’t get enough of…

~ Awkward moments
~ Bitter coffee
~ Mondays
~ Sleepless nights
~ Popping a zit
~ Uncomfortable situations of any kind
~ So spicy it hurts
~ Too much information
~ Apologizing
~ Idiosyncrasies
~ Misspellings and grammatical errors on public signs and advertising
~ Kids, that aren’t mine, misbehaving in public
~ Burgundy finger waves
~ The smell of skunk roadkill
~ Missing someone that I love
~ Finding a hair in my food
~ Failing honestly
~ Giving away something that I want to keep
~ Cracked heels
~ Smelly belly button

* I thought about giving an explanation for my weirdness and then I was all…Nah! 😉

Happy Halloween season to all you fellow freaks! I love you all:) XOXO, Beck

I gave Jesus an umbrella.

I wasn’t going to share this experience with many people. Really, I didn’t want to share this with any person that would be inclined to think more or less of me because of something that I had done – Especially since it really wasn’t my idea. I didn’t want to take the credit for the action. Honestly, I think I didn’t want to get a big head for actually doing what I’m here to do, which is to be Jesus’ hands and feet. Anything that I choose to do that benefits the well-being of another individual is God – The Holy Spirit, working in me. I made the decision to share my divine encounter after thinking a certain thought this morning…

Walking, not running, to my car…getting absolutely soaked – I thought to myself, “I’ve never been so happy to not have an umbrella.”

The week before, I had been driving down one of my main business-hour roadways, when the sky – without warning – split wide open. Shortly after the rain started pelting down on my car, I noticed a woman being dropped off at a person pickup spot – Yeah, they call that a bus stop. 🙂 Anyhoo…She quickly moved her luxurious curls under the closest tree, which was really a crepe myrtle on plant steroids – AKA Miracle Grow – to keep herself dry. Yes, I could tell they were luxurious from 30 feet away. I said to God, “Please let the light turn red, Lord.” As soon as I spied her heading for the tree, I remembered the umbrella in my backseat. I was certain that God wanted her to have that rain-repelling tool in that very moment. I knew that I had put that umbrella in my car 3 months ago for that exact moment.

The light turned red, like I’d hoped it would, and the thought crossed my mind…“I could throw it to her…she’d get it quicker that way.” Then I thought back to myself, “You’re ridiculous. Pull in and walk it to her, you nut.” Then I was all…“You’re right, good idea.” SO, I pulled in, put the car in park and walked over…

***

“Ma’am?”

She and her perfectly coifed hair turned to me expectantly… “Yes?”

“You got to keep that beautiful hair dry! Here’s an umbrella for you.”

She smiled, as if God had just fulfilled her request, and simply replied, “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. God bless you.”

***

An image of her grateful smile appeared in my heart this morning as I trekked to my car in the rain…and I thought to myself, “I’ve never been so happy to not have an umbrella.” Sometimes, making a sacrifice for the betterment of someone else doesn’t feel so sacrificial – Or what my preconceived notion of being sacrificial should feel like. Sure, I was uncomfortable and soaked to the bone…but her need was greater than mine – And the joy I felt from doing something so right? It was worth so much more than being comfortable and dry.

***

“The king will answer them, ‘I can guarantee this truth: Whatever you did for one of my brothers or sisters, no matter how unimportant [they seemed], you did for me.’ Matthew 25:40