The “F” Word.

“She asked why the fat girl was there…”

“Who was she talking about?”

“Me.”

Me…Heart-broken for my nine year old daughter…Upset at the six year old girl that didn’t have the sense enough to keep her thoughts to herself…Mad at the child’s parents for not stressing the importance of not voicing your own perceptions of someone else’s physical appearances to their child…Sad because I don’t want my daughter to worry about the way she looks.

I know good and well that it probably has been, and very well could be, my own child saying hurtful things to another woman’s child. And I know that kids say things, no matter if their parents tell them to or not…They will, at some point, say hurtful words to others, even if their parents do warn them against the power of unkind, negative words. Those words have the power to wound someone else’s heart. I also know that my child will worry, whether I want her to or not. And boy doesn’t that just make me want to pull out a fresh roll of toilet tissue and bawl my momma eyes out. I know that I can’t shield her from being hurt. And oohwee, it breaks my heart.

What I CAN do is tell her that she is more than the way she looks…SO much more. She is my precious gift. She is my healthy, happy Margaret. She is the handiwork of God Almighty! Her spirit will live on throughout eternity…The essence of who she is will continue on. THAT is what we need to preserve…THAT is what we need to focus on.

I have to be honest with y’all…I needed to be reminded of this simple fact…That who I REALLY am – the essence of me – is not physical, it’s spiritual.

Love y’all, Beck

 

Breathers breathe.

When your dreams are actually unfolding right before your very eyes…When you’re living out the thing you’ve always wanted…When the hopes in your life are actively happening – You’ve got to be present in all the moments. All of the moments. If you aren’t careful to be aware of every step of your life – You won’t see the forest for the trees – You won’t even realize that your life is happening. All you’ll think about is…What’s next? Ask yourself, What’s now?…Now is happening. Revel in it. If you can’t enjoy your Now…Your Next is already ruined.

***

I keep telling myself, “Enjoy this. Your dreams are coming true!” But I seem to only be able to ask myself, “What’s next?” When I was a little girl, I recorded myself singing on a cassette tape and wrote a letter to some important nameless people…I told them of my heart for music…I stuffed my cassette tape in a large envelope and sealed it. I couldn’t address it, though. I didn’t know where to send it. (There was no Google back then) That unknowing slayed me…I didn’t know what to do with my voice either. But I kept singing anyway. I kept singing, because it’s what singers do. I keep breathing because it’s what breathers do. It’s who I am.

For a very long time, everywhere I sang, I imagined that someone from the music industry would be there…ready to discover me. It didn’t matter where I was – Church, school, an audience – Anywhere! (this makes me smile) I was prepared to be discovered. At least I thought I was prepared. You always think you’re ready, until you find out that you’re not.

I don’t know when it happened for me…but I decided that perhaps the music industry life wasn’t for me. I had faced so much musical rejection in college that I didn’t know where exactly I fit in anymore. So I decided that I didn’t want to fit it. I didn’t want to conform to anyone’s idea of what Becky should sound like. I tucked away my dreams. I told God that if all I ever did was sing my heart out for Him in my shower – If that’s all He wanted from me…I’d be happy doing it. I’d give Him the performance of my life three times a week ( 😉 )…with no expectations, no hope of discovery – Just pure praise.

When I gave up my ideas of what was Next, I started living in my Now. My heart changed. I stopped thinking that my talent could do anything for me. I figured out that all the talent in the world can’t bring me happiness…only God’s approval and love can do that. God approves of me and loves all of me without musical success. This talent – This gift…it’s nothing. It really is just like breathing. It’s nothing for me to sing you a song. It’s just a lovely melody. And whose life does that change? But when I ask Him…Christ Jesus, to do something with it…it changes my heart. My salvation seems to work itself out.

***

When you were with me the whole way…

When you told me that you loved me…

When you told me that I was the most beautiful of all…

When I realized that all I ever wanted was you.

You were the dream that I wanted more than anything.

You are the most important dream of my life.

If you weren’t by my side,

None of this would be as bright.

None of this would feel right. 

***

My heart…forever yours, Michael Moore.