This Momma

This Momma

We laugh. We cry.

We welcome. We say goodbye.

One thing remains,

The constant beating of This Momma’s heart…

Bound to her children until the very end,

From the very start.

***

This Momma

Whose Momma no longer has a home to hang her pictures on the wall.

Her baby is having babies oceans away…

She faithfully thanks God for the blanket of stars that they share each night

When she bows her head to pray.

She’s caught in the middle…

Still someone’s child – secretly, she wonders...For how long?

Still a momma herself – even though her kids are all grown.

***

This Momma

Is working two jobs just to make ends meet.

She’s passing out the pennies she’s collected…

Paying someone else to care for

Her kids during the day,

Hoping her time with them at night is enough to

Make up for when she’s away.

She feels like she’s just treading water…

Struggling to stay afloat.

It pains her to know that there’s more…More than this barely scraping by.

But until she can find some relief…Until she figures it all out,

She’ll keep giving every ounce of what she’s got.

She’ll sacrifice.

***

This Momma’s

Worries seemed so important.

Now?

She wishes she could have them all back.

Getting to school on time…

Say No, Sir – Say Yes, Ma’am…

Watch your tone, young lady…

Now?

She longs for the days of just barely catching the bus.

She wishes she could see her daughter’s eyes roll just one more time.

She feels lost.

In the shadows of her heart she wonders…

Without my child…

Am I still a mom?

***

This Momma

Questions herself all the time…

Am I doing this right?

Do my babies really know how loved they are?

What moments will be highlighted in the novels of their lives?

She prays the best ones.

Her heart’s desire is for them to really experience life…

The good.

The bad.

The good again.

When they think of her…

She hopes they feel arms encircling them…

Lips kissing foreheads…

Words – affirming, encouraging…

She wants them to feel loved.

***

We laugh. We cry.

We welcome. We say goodbye.

One thing remains,

The constant beating of This Momma’s heart…

Bound to her children until the very end,

From the very start.

***

Happy Momma’s day…

XOXO, Beck

 

Swing, batter batter…

Every single day I’m faced with choices. Duh, huh – We’re all faced with choices. Occasionally, my fork in the road moments are significant in my life’s journey, but for the most part? They’re just taking up precious time. Hmmm, will I have a quad, vente, nonfat, two raw sugar latte, stirred? Or a quad, vente, nonfat latte, no sugar? Will I got to work driving interstate or backroads? Sandwich or Lunchable? Strawberry or chocolate milk? Bath or shower? Makeup or no makeup? Run or read? Say that curse word out loud or keep it in my inner dialogue? All of these decisions are quite inconsequential…The ones that are important are the ones that I give myself grief over. More specifically, I question the decisions I make concerning my children ALL of the time.

Maggie, our oldest child, attends a Christian academy for her education – I just deleted “in town”…Y’all know I was raised in the backwoods! I digress… Michael and I feel very blessed to have the ability to send them there – although, at times – it’s quite a sacrifice, monetarily speaking. I’ve noticed lately…By lately, I mean for the past year of so…By or so, I mean the past two years, generally speaking…By generally speaking, I mean¬†– Joking! Geez, I’m chasing rabbits. Let me start over…

A pattern has evolved with my darling Mags…She’s starting to ask me questions about how others are living their lives. Yup. I’m pretty sure that the pattern is a product of her simply growing up – but I can’t say for sure that it’s not that some of her classmates are listening to their judgmental parents and telling Maggie all of the things that no one should ever do if they are Christians. Wowzers, that was a mouthful! (Now I’m being judgmental) FOR example…”Momma, you know that you aren’t supposed to get tattoos.” “Momma, the kids at school told me that I shouldn’t have this happy skull figure on my multi-patterned, custom-made converse shoes that daddy ordered me because I have made straight A’s ALL year.” Well, she didn’t say all of that, but you get the gist…”Momma, Uncle Andy is drinking a beer.” “Momma, Susie (changed name) can’t go in my bedroom because she’s not allowed to look at Monster High dolls.”

When these statements and questions get tossed my way, I’m suddenly that girl that doesn’t really know the game of baseball, but has to join in because there aren’t enough players, without me, to make a team. I’m up to bat…sometimes I’m flinching when the ball soars in my direction – sometimes I’m swinging that bat like I own the dern game…mostly missing – sometimes I’m getting a piece of that ball and running like I’m in Cedar Grove after the sun went down…sometimes I’m sliding into first because I have no idea if I’ll get another chance to get dirty and actually look like I was a part of the game. I’m in this game of parenthood, and sometimes I feel like I never actually learned any of the plays.

So what do I say to my daughter when she is looking to this fly by the seat of her pants momma for some real advice? “Maggie, someone can get a tattoo if they want to. Some are tasteful and have meaning…Some are just ridiculous. Keep your opinions to yourself.” “Maggie, you have a skull under all of that skin on your face – and I’m pretty sure that it’s happy. Don’t pay any attention to what those girls think you should or shouldn’t have.” “Maggie, your Uncle is a grown man and he can have a beer if he wants. Keep your comments to yourself.” “Mag, it’s ok for you to play with your MH dolls – It’s also OK for Susie to not be allowed to. Her parents have their reasons for making that choice for her and we respect their rules. Now go play outside.”

My goal is to teach my children to live their lives following in the footsteps of Christ Jesus. I want them to know that they can be strong in their beliefs while accepting and respecting the differing views of the people around them. I want them to be able to see outside of the bubble that is their life and recognize that there is an entire world out there…An entire world that is loved by Christ – even the people that mark their bodies up with tattoos in order to express themselves – even those that choose to have a drink – even those that enjoy the undead in figurine form…haha:) I want my kids to stop looking at what everybody else is doing wrong¬†and start thinking about what they can do that is right.

***

I will always join in the game,

Even if I don’t know the plays.

I will look like the idiot that has no clue what she’s doing,

But I will have a smile on my face

And a laugh that’s ready to spill out of my mouth.

The winds of my life will not alter the joy in my spirit…

Which is the essence of me.

***

Love y’all, Beck