30 is the new 40.

Daddy told me, “When you turn thirty, Beck, that’s when your body starts falling apart.”

I’ve always been one to prove that I don’t fall into the “normal” categories created by society. I was told that I would NEVER lose all of the weight that I gained when I was pregnant with Maggie – I lost it…plus some. When Michael and I were dating as teenagers – someone close to me described their view of us as, “Nothing but a grain of sand” – We are now married with three beautiful children. Then there was NO possible way that I could run a half marathon without walking AND finish with a decent time without “proper” training – I finished in 2 hours, 32 minutes. I did not walk. The mind is an AMAZING thing…I swear, there are some obstacles in this life that you can truly overcome with the positive power of your mind – with strong will and determination…Then there’s this ol’ body. It does what it wants – when and how it desires. I’m 30-ish and my daddy was right…again.

When my doctor told me that the only way I could have the fibroid tumor, that had plagued me for years, removed from my body would be to undergo a hysterectomy – I automatically thought of my Daddy. Wow, so thirty really IS the new forty. I was stunned. I would like to add that I had no IDEA the number of women that have had hysterectomies at my age. My ignorance on the subject allowed my mind to assume that the “proper” age to have a hysterectomy would be around forty. As soon as my doctor made his professional assessment, I began to question my vigor…”Am I really older than I feel? – There’s no way I heard him correctly – I’m gonna google this – The Mayo Clinic website will confirm his treatment method – Michael doesn’t know he’s married to an old woman!” And then I asked him when he could schedule me for the procedure.

You see, my health is more important to me than my ego.

When I had Miles, they discovered that I had a softball sized fibroid attached to the outer wall of my uterus. My doctor couldn’t remove the unwelcome mass for health reasons, at that time, so they sewed me up. There’s just something about knowing that you have a mass in your body that doesn’t belong – It weighs on your mind. Everything that feels wrong with you, at any given moment, is seemingly directly related to the thing that doesn’t belong. For a long time I was certain that I was making up the pains in both my leg and the right side of my body. I thought I was turning into one of those people that imagines sicknesses. I even had my gallbladder checked with a series of ultrasounds and blood tests, on multiple occasions, over the past two years . Nothing was wrong with my gall bladder… I was embarrassed by my apparently hypochondriatic ways. I just made up a new word – hypochondriatic.

After I had awoken from my surgery, my doctor told me that he had to cut me open. There was no way he could laproscopically perform my procedure, because my fibroid was the size of a cantaloupe. Oddly enough, I was relieved. He did not perform an ultrasound before my procedure, so I was still concerned that I was conjuring up side effects from the tumor. The fact that it was significant meant that I wasn’t crazy…Well, not crazy in THAT regard. 😉

Now, three weeks later, my chronic pain is no more. I no longer have a uterus, fallopian tubes or a cantaloupe sized tumor. As a woman, talking about this part of my life is uncomfortable, to say the least. It feels like a subject that I should be private about, because it’s so personal and it causes some people to feel uneasy – and that’s a perfectly acceptable feeling to have…But I want to share my experience for all of you ladies that may have gone to the doctor and had a similar experience. No matter how “young” or “old” you think you are…Sometimes our bodies decide when, where, how and why they do what they do. If my mind could have willed away that surgical experience, I’m dern sure that it would have – Alas, it would and could not.

One thing I know about falling apart – I can be put back together. Some pieces of me may be forever removed – but there is more to me than the visible…My heart is expanding – my mind is growing stronger…And those are just the effects of the pain meds… Haha! Had to throw that in there;) Seriously, if you are facing a hysterectomy and need helpful information from real women that have been through it – I’ve attached a website that has really been helpful for me.

Hugs, Beck

http://www.hystersisters.com

A message from above…

There, in the bright Orlando sky, a message for all of the city to view was slowly taking form. For the past few days, the city had seen short messages purposed to point towards God’s love. This particular sunny afternoon, the plane’s message read THANK J…If you had seen the messages for the past few days – and it would have been difficult not to have – then you would have no difficulty understanding the pattern. One could easily guess that the message was to THANK JESUS.

“Oh! I think it’s that guy’s name again…What was it, Mom?” The young boy’s mother smirked and looked at her sister, who was sitting across from her on the bus – and with sarcasm in her tone she replied, “Oh, I’m sure it’s something like Jake or John.”

This particular afternoon I was riding the Disney bus system alone and was on a singular mission…To pack for home! I heard and saw this conversation play out from a bus seat away. At first I was quite stunned, but the more I digested their exchange – the more I understood that this is the reality of life. Everyone does not love and respect Jesus.

The heartbreak to me was that a lot of these adults have had the opportunity to learn about Jesus while growing up – they chose to turn their backs on the belief in Jesus as their Savior…some of these kids aren’t even getting that opportunity. Just as I’m typing this I’m thinking to myself, “Those kids are EVERYWHERE, Becky!” All over the world! They are scattered about in the communities that we live in…They are the reason that we, as Followers of Christ, must live what we believe on a daily basis, everywhere we go. It sounds cliche, but you really may be the only Jesus that sweet child of God – no matter what age they are – encounters that day.

We must be His hands and feet to the world that He created and loves so much…The people in the world are His greatest love. Being a part of a church fellowship is key in doing this. When we gather together in one accord for Eternal purposes…God blesses us and our efforts.

I didn’t feel comfortable butting in to this family’s passing conversation, so I kept my mouth shut. I’m not sure if I made the right or wrong decision…Either way, I still prayed for that family and their children while I was riding towards my destination. I prayed that God would reveal Himself to them in a real way. I prayed that young boy and his young sisters would have an opportunity to accept Him as their Savior. Sometimes praying is all that we can do – but it is SO much! There is power in prayer. I also prayed that I would be the light that He intends for me to be. I need to redirect my focus…Off of myself so much and back to Him.

It’s not enough for me to be broken over the lost in the world. I have to put action to my passion…

With sincere love, Beck

Closet Emo…

I thought I’d share a few thoughts I’ve recently penned…And by recently – I mean in the last 2-4 months. 🙂 I rather enjoy the sensation I get when I just have to write down the way I’m feeling. The thoughts running through my mind and pulsating in my heart MUST make it to paper…Otherwise, I’ll lose a piece of myself – I will somehow be unable to replicate the revelation clearly if I don’t pen it to the paper. I realize that the thoughts and ideas banging around in my mind may bring no revelation to another soul…Still, I feel  grateful to be privy to them.

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I’m pretty certain that I was pulling into my beloved Target shopping center when I started thinking along these lines… How strange it was for me to be in such a hurry all of the time.

 

Time is such a fickle thing…

Either too fast or too slow 

Defining it is seemingly impossible.

I see it in the mirror some mornings,

I feel it at the end of a long day…

I always need more of it – And then I squander it away.

It’s bottled up in images on my shelf…in images in my mind.

 

(I know this feels unfinished – but it was truly all that I had to say on the matter…)

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I wrote this next one in my car right before I was about to sing in church one Sunday morning. My heart was heavy while reflecting over the previous week. 

 

The unexpected loss of my loved one’s family member…

The inability to make well the unwell – to soothe my crying child.

Regret for words spoken – for unspoken whispers in the 

corners of my mind.

You carry me.

You give me Your ear.

You wipe the slate clean…

All because You care.

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I’m sure I have some more life-altering scribblings on a napkin somewhere in the crevices of my car – but for now, these will have to do. So, if you don’t have a notebook that you keep handy for your moments of clarity…Go purchase one NOW! 

All my love, Beck