Someone just poked a hole in the balloon that is me and I am now slowly hissing out the remainders of what’s been seemingly holding me together. I’m moving in random circular motions – trying to find a piece of solid ground to plop my remainders onto. Once I make contact, I’m not moving until someone literally lifts me up. And then what? The trash??? HAHAHA! It’s not THAT bad! But I must admit that this was the first analogy I visualized when I thought of what I’m feeling like right now.
In all seriousness, I really am at the point where I feel like I may just lay down in the bed and not get up for a while. Oh wait, I did that this morning! 😉 That’s what real rest will do for you, it makes you long for more. Like anything fulfilling and wonderful – Coffee, wine, great sex – heck, fair to midland sex…I just want more! 🙂 I’m just funnin’…Let me get to the meat of the matter with y’all. I’ve been holding it together and just trucking along for a while now. If I don’t let a little air out of this balloon that is me, I’m gonna pop and drop. Not to be confused with “Pop, Lock and Drop It.” That would be fun and this has not been.
My Miles has basically been sick for a year now. We live at the doctor’s office. Thankfully, I really do love my kids’ pediatrician and all of the ladies that work with her. Shoot, I’m even chummy with the folks in the blood lab and the women at the front desk! I am constantly calling and texting my co-workers and boss, explaining to them that I will not be in because Miles is sick again. As understanding as they are, I know that the same ol’ same ol’ gets annoying after a while. Plain and simple…It is TOUGH being a working mom. Having three kids and one of them being chronically ill – I’m telling you, it’s challenging.
We decided to take Miles to his ENT doctor (Ear, Nose & Throat) this week. Prognosis: new set of tubes for ears and removing both tonsils and adenoids. The day before our appointment I was going for a run in the neighborhood and I prayed a prayer that I’ve never prayed before. I think that mothers and grown women all over the globe have perhaps prayed this on several occasions and I am just now being inducted… It went a little something like this, “Lord, if I need to have a breakdown, please let me have it now and not in front of the doctor tomorrow.”
Most of the time we don’t even know when our balloon is going to pop and drop. For me, I just want to be able to choose the time and place when I’m just gonna lose it. Say for instance, I’d like to drop when everyone in my house is asleep and I’m in a hot bubble bath listening to some soothing tunes on Pandora. Unfortunately, for most of us, choosing the time and place that we’re going to go nutso is just not the reality of life. We get so caught up in keeping it together – working and just trying to do our best at ALL times that when it’s time to just let a little air out…we end up allowing ALL of it to escape and then we’re left with nothing. THANKFULLY, I have a Savior that fills me back up and sends me back out into the world with His protection and His strength and His unconditional love…All I have to do is look to Him for it.
There’s no way that I alone can refill that bursted balloon lying of the hardwood floor that is me. I’ve checked myself out at every angle and I have NO idea how I can get anything in this broken down balloon. My God can, though. He picks me up and puts me back together and breathes a fresh, new life into me. He heals my wounded spirit and tells me that everything is going to be just fine, Becky. He ties a string on me and wraps me around His mighty wrist and never lets me go. The winds of my life may pull me and push me in different directions, but I know that I’m tied to Him…Always.
I am thankful for this spirit within me that pushes me to be a better mother – a better employee – a better wife – a better runner…This drive that God has instilled in me is a gift. But I also need to realize that I can not be that person that He intends for me to be in my own strength. I need Him to do it for me. And He will, Hallelujah!
Thank y’all for taking the time to read this installment, it’s been quite a therapy session for me today ;). Know that God has got you, friends….XOXO, Beck…