My gift on Miles’ birthday

One year ago, tonight, my sweet Miles was born. I was so very overwhelmed by his birthing experience  that I decided to write down every memory that I had of it when I came home from the hospital. After pages of recollections, I successfully documented my experience in the hospital…When a year passes, I told myself, I will read this again. For the past several months I’ve thought about this particular journal entry with anticipation.  Excitement filled me every single time that I remembered that I had this special gift to myself to look forward to on July 12, 2012. Today I read my gift….I’d like to share this journal entry with y’all….

“July 12, 2011 – Never have I been more scared. It was time to have my baby boy, Miles…After 5-6 hours of labor, he wasn’t moving down and I wasn’t progressing fast enough. His heart rate dropped after contractions and he needed to come out of my belly – and quick. After having two children natural  (vaginally – with medication) one of my biggest fears was having a c-section on my final child – The fear of the unknown and having a major surgery…and being awake while the surgery was happening – I was scared. But I knew that it was necessary and I had to accept it and deal. I settled it within myself that I could do it. I watched as Michael put on his operating room garb and I tried not to tear up – because my family was in the room – and what good would tears do for me at that moment anyway? It was time to put on my game face.

The nurses and anesthesiologist wheeled me into the operating room – with it’s bright lights and cold feel. Michael waited somewhere in another room for me to be fully prepped for surgery. They wiped me down. The nurse – Leslie was her name – told me she was going to shave me…I kept insisting that  that wasn’t necessary – I had taken care of that myself…silly me 🙂 She proceeded to do her job…The anesthesiologist asked if I could feel the cold on my belly as they prepped – and I could on my left side – so, he gave me more meds in my epidural – I could still feel it. They began to pinch my skin to check for any feeling and I could feel a slight sting on my left side still. He continued to question my definition of stinging and simply pressure –  I told him that it was not pressure – it was a sting. He gave me more meds…he tilted my bed to the left, then to the back – it helped some so they began to cut. Michael was in the room at this time – but I couldn’t look at him – I didn’t want to have an all out panic attack. I remember thinking – my arms aren’t tied down – But I knew better than to pick them up. As he was cutting, I began to actually feel the pain. I thought that the doctor was pulling the baby out – but he wasn’t…He was still cutting me open – and I could feel it. At this point I looked at Michael and I suppose that I screamed, “It hurts!” Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought that I would be able to feel this… I dug into the arm rests for dear life and thought to myself – You can do this, Becky. Then I have my last conscious memory of that operating room – A small glass vial of medicine above my head for an instant – then I was unconscious. I was in a twilight zone sort of dream world where I couldn’t finish a thought. I could vaguely hear the doctor’s voice from time to time – but couldn’t make out what he was saying. Bright oranges and reds were all I could see and I felt like I was sinking…But I knew enough to keep thinking to myself over and over again , “It will be over eventually – this will not last forever.” This all happened between 10 and 11:16pm when Miles was taken out of my belly.

I awoke around 1am in the room that I had started out in with no recollection of having a baby. I remember not being able to focus my eyes for quite some time. I don’t remember what was said to me that early morning – evidently I was quite the comedian… Around 4am I awoke thinking that he sure wasn’t moving very much in my belly…I didn’t remember having him – and then it dawned on me – I had a baby last night! I was wide awake – So I called the only other person that I knew would be awake – Erin 🙂 I talked her up for 30 minutes – I have no idea what we talked about…

Days later, I asked Michael if I was completely unconscious throughout the surgery – He told me that I moaned and groaned and had my eyes open the whole time – and kept asking if the baby was out of my belly yet. That is so crazy to me – to not remember all of that.

I am so thankful that God carried me and Michael and Miles through his childbirth experience. I know that I am not the first, nor will I be the last woman to experience such a c-section – But it is so personal an experience for me – it is my journey. I embrace the path that had to be taken to deliver my baby boy. You don’t realize what you can actually go through – the strength that God gives you to survive difficult and unimaginable situations – It’s truly a supernatural strength. I’m thankful for my heavenly Father – and for the Holy Spirit living in me – loving me and caring for my soul. I am truly a blessed woman.”

Today I thank God for revealing His glory to me through that unexpected journey of having my child. For a moment while I was reading this today I was able to see the big picture…I was able to see that my life is moving in a steady line – God is always preparing me for the next phase of this journey on Earth. He equips us for what we are to face ahead – mostly through life experience. I know that there will be more difficult days to come –  if I live long enough to experience them… I am comforted in the knowledge that HE will see me through them.

I love you, my friends.

Beck

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Tell me more…

“Just say, ‘Tell me more.’ You’ll know when the time is right….at the exact moment that you want to tell her to shut up!” Words of wisdom from a highly reputable televised pastor in Bossier, LA. The premise for his sermon was that if we can communicate with our spouses – we will have more successful marriages. This theory is not solely for the marriage relationship – it has the potential to enhance and benefit ALL of our relationships…

Now….communicating is not my problem. I LOVE to communicate! I have a problem NOT communicating….The pastor also said in his sermon that if a woman doesn’t talk – she’ll die! He sounds sexist, right? I would have thought so too if he weren’t so stinking spot on with every idea that he verbalized! While I was watching that this past Sunday morning, another sermon I’ve heard recently began to resound in corners of my mind. A pastor said that he has never yelled at his wife. I think that would be awesome – to never yell at your partner – or anyone for that matter…if it’s true, or not – I don’t believe it. I also don’t believe that this highly reputable pastor – after preaching this sermon – can actually, in the middle of an argument with his wife, look at her in ALL seriousness and say – with NO sarcasm, “tell me more.” BOLOGNA.

Sometimes love is messy – and loud – and full-up with crazy. I am a strong Christ follower – I believe that His Word is Truth. I just want to put that out there. I do not think that every word that comes out of a preacher’s mouth is necessarily truth. I have always felt that it is not the pastor’s job to try to make me feel bad about who I am as an individual – it’s their job to preach the Word of God and let Him convict me where He alone knows I need change. Don’t try to make me feel bad for letting down my guard with my own husband. You mean I’m NEVER supposed to act like a complete and total idiot with ANYONE? Isn’t that why I married this man – so I can have someone to act out with and know that they aren’t going anywhere? Now, I’m no psycho-lunatic wife or anything – I suppose for the REAL truth, you’ll have to ask Michael – This blog contains the “Becky truths” 🙂 I’m simply saying that a little yelling – or talking loud, as I’ve heard it put – is OK!

I’m not going to say that I feel super good about every word that spews out of my mouth when my husband and I argue – which is about twice a year. I’m not talking about bickering – that’s just practice….FOR REAL arguing doesn’t happen very much in our household. So when it do…IT DO. And when it’s over – we apologize, we forgive and we move on. Truthfully, we are always better for it – we get it all out –  and that’s communicating:) Then we don’t have to deal with it anymore.

I’m not trying to air all of my stanky laundry with y’all this morning. I really just was struck by the way that others can sometimes make us feel about the way we are “supposed” to be in our relationships. We get so wrapped up in trying to be the perfect match to someone else that we can sometimes lose sight of who we really are. Bottom line – my husband is my best friend…we will yell at each other – we will say stupid, ridiculous things – we will laugh about it EVENTUALLY:) I love that man with all of my heart – and sometimes, my heart is just a little crazy! 😉

This rant was to say that it is OK to be a looney toon from time to time:)

Love y’all!