Planting seeds.

I was tired from a long day of traveling the English countryside…We had been exploring castles, rocky beaches, and cathedrals. It felt like we were almost back to our starting point when we stopped again. I put my book down, it had kept me occupied in all the downtime, and wearily exited the bus…

It was a small chapel – Nothing apparently special about it. But there was something…something in its simple grandeur. We arrived after church hours and a kind woman opened up for us. Immediately I felt like I was in my childhood church that had burned down a couple years back.

As I walked around the chapel, respectfully looking at the stained glass windows and beautiful architecture, I began to get the feeling that I must sing in this little chapel on the hill. I don’t know about anyone else…how the Holy Spirit works in them, but when He is nudging me towards something, my heart rate sky rockets and I just know that it’s Him and not me leading my thoughts and actions.

The sign on the podium had a scripture on it, and each person that walked through the doors of the chapel would surely see it. The thing that caught my eye was JESUS in bold print. From the moment I walked in, until the moment I walked out, I was singing Something About That Name in my head – And maybe whistling it as I walked:)

When I was a young girl, up until my church burned down, I would steal moments away in my church with the stained glass windows. When everyone was gone…when beams of colored sunlight lit up the space…when only God was present to hear – I would sing to Him my offerings of praise and adoration.

Now, in a hillside chapel somewhere in the English countryside, my heart rate wouldn’t let up on me, and I decided that I couldn’t leave without doing what I knew had to be done. There are times when one MUST worship the Father. And when your natural way is through song, you just can’t hold it in…it’s a whistle eeking out…a hum that never ends…a song sung in a chapel on a hill. So I waited for everyone to exit, except our tour guide and the kind woman that opened the doors for us, and asked…

“Do you mind if I sing a song?”

“Of course not…go ahead.”

So I sang a song…

***

Jesus…Jesus…Jesus…

There’s just something about that name.

Master…Savior…Jesus…

Like the fragrance after the rain.

Jesus…Jesus…Jesus…

Let all Heaven and earth proclaim.

Kings and kingdoms will all pass away,

But there’s something about that name.

***

When I was through singing, our tour guide ZoZo hugged me and told me that he would never forget that moment. The kind woman blessed me with tears in her eyes and hugged me as well. I felt like they acknowledged that it was Christ through me working in that moment.

As I took my seat on the bus, I thought about how important what just happened felt to me. How I was unsure of Zozo’s faith – He had never spoken the name of Christ Jesus around me, but he made it quite clear that he valued life and the profundity of it all. He was so very kind and generous…I felt like God used this gift that He’s given me to get that seed planted…

This moment he said he would never forget was all about Jesus.

***

It takes but a tiny seed planted…

It takes but two hands watering…

It takes but a morsel of faith…

For growth,

For abundance,

For life everlasting.

***

Your stage may feel small – The task you’ve been given may feel menial, and you may feel like it’s time to go on home…but trust that if you are a child of God, no endeavor done in His name could ever be small or unimportant and HE will give you strength the finish the course. 

He waters our seeds planted and makes them grow.

XOXO, Beck

 

Damn. 

Damn you…

I cut you out,

I prayed you away…

You have no place 

In my life now. 

Somehow,

You make your way

Into my thoughts.

I keep closing the door…

You keep knocking. 

Damn me…

If I let you back in. 

You have no place

In my life now.

If I get outside of myself…

And start missing the pain again,

All I need is to remember

How damned I once felt. 

You make me forget what’s real,

And my reality is far more secure,

Than your damned truths.  

Give and Take. 

I never thought I’d be here,
In this place…
Wondering how I could let it all go so far.
I never thought that just one more,
Would be such a hard pill to swallow.
I never thought I’d let this happen to me.

But I did.
But I did.
But I did.

And now, I’m here…
On this cold, hard bathroom floor,
Begging you, please take this from me.
My hands outstretched…
On this cold, hard bathroom floor,
Filled up with shame.

And I’m crying out…
I give this to you,
Please take it from me.
Oh Lord – I give this to you.
Please take it from me.
So I’ll show up here everyday,
Until I start feeling lighter…
So I’ll show up here everyday,
Until I start feeling more like her…
I’ll keep coming back,
Even when…
And I’ll keep coming back,

Even then.
Even then.
Even then.

(My cries for relief have transformed into
Songs of praise and thanksgiving )

And I’ll open up my hands…
I’ll open them up.
I’ll open open up my heart…
I’ll open it up.
And I’ll give to you
all that I can’t understand.

My pain.
My shame.
My embarrassment.

Lord, I give this to You,
Please take it from me.
Father, I give it to you,
Please take it from me.

This is my offering.
Right here right now,
This is all I have to bring.
This is my offering.
Right here right now,
This is all I have to bring.

So I give it to you,
Please take it from me.
I give it to you,
Thank You for taking it from me.

Multiply it.

 

This is all I have…
It’s not a lot.
Thankfully, I know
My little won’t stop
This seed Your sewing…
It’s my faith You’re growing.

***

Jesus…

You take this morsel of faith
And You multiply it.
What I once thought small,
Now I see – It’s sufficient.
I just have to trust that You
Will do exactly what You promised to…
You’ll never take me any place
That You won’t carry me through.

***

Jesus…

You take this morsel of faith
And You multiply it.
What I once thought small,
Now I see – it’s sufficient.
I just have to trust that You
Will do exactly what You promised to…
You’ll never take me any place
That You won’t carry me through.

I’m watered daily
From above.
Blossoming (ever so slowly)
In Your love.
You quench my soul’s thirst…
Lord, All I have is Yours.

This is all I have…
It’s not a lot.
Thankfully, I know
My little won’t stop
This seed Your sewing…
It’s my faith You’re growing.

 

He is.

I’ve been trying to find my voice again…

Trying to decipher what’s real

From what’s just for show.

I start to want to sing you a song…

I start to want to tell you what’s on my mind,

But something stops me…

I’m left questioning my own motives.

***

I don’t have anything to prove.

I will be no more,

Just because I can make something lovely…

I will be no less,

If I’m the only one that benefits…

***

The beauty in it all

Cannot be bought or validated…

The bright lights are blinding,

And I like to see my audience…

***

I’ve been trying to find my voice again…

Trying to decipher what’s real

From what’s just for show.

I just want to sing you a song that

Makes you see…

That you’re beautiful,

That you’re loved,

That you’re not alone…

***

Maybe God’s just telling me

That I’m beautiful,

That I’m loved,

That I’m really not alone.

***

 

You don’t have anything to prove.

You will be no more,

Just because you can make something lovely…

You will be no less,

If you’re the only one that benefits…

***

The truth is we’re in this together…

Made in the image of our great Creator.

It’s so easy to forget, isn’t it?

We are beautiful, in His image…

We are loved by Him…

We are never alone.

He is ever-present…

Reflecting his love through the light

He’s placed within our hearts…

***

He is beautiful.

He is love.

He is.

 

 

Retail therapy = Mission work.

I was shopping with my middle daughter the other day in a pretty hip store – I totally didn’t belong:) There’s so much stuff that I can hardly make a choice. I mostly leave empty-handed in these joints. But not my Bay Bay – She zoned in on a table with hand-made looking jewelry…

“Momma! These are SO pretty. Can we get them?”

One of the shop tenders makes her way over to us – Hoping to assist us in our decision-making process…

“Some of the money you spend on these goes to mission work in_____.”

I can’t remember where she said the money would go exactly, all I know is that I couldn’t bring myself to purchase the very pretty little bracelets.

***

The thing is, I didn’t need those bracelets – And I’m so jaded by charities and churches and whatever other organizations that promises to be trustworthy – Who knows where exactly the money I spent on those bracelets would have actually gone. I think the point of purchasing them would really have been to make me feel better about my contribution to the Kingdom Work – To humanity – When in fact I’ve done nothing but spend my family’s hard-earned money on another unnecessary item.

I have family and acquaintances that are, or have been, ON the mission field…it’s such a different landscape than the one painted for us by those pretty little bracelets and stylishly designed glasses and vegan Toms. What I’m trying to say is that mission work is a far more sacrificial investment than what I’ve been patting myself on the back for…

“I put a pair of glasses/shoes/etc. on a child in _______. Good for you, Becky. You’ve certainly done your part AND you got something that you can’t take with you out of the deal!”

It just really disgusted me the other day how I really was thinking that I was doing some good with the whole One-For-One thing. And I know that it’s not all for nothing – But there’s just so much more to it…to giving – To being a servant. There’s just so much more to drawing from the well of LIVING water…to trusting Jesus to give you strength and words and materials and a harvest field.

My point…Toms, Warby Parker, jewelry in a hip shop, etc., etc… is not my mission field. I am not a good person – Or doing my part by spending money on these things…getting a nicer version of them, even, than the real child/adult in need.

Before anyone starts getting upset at me like I’m judging or pointing the finger at them – Seriously, this is a personal epiphany that I’ve just chosen to share. I was convicted for using these, probably wonderful, charities as my mission field. I was personally convicted for feeling good about my contribution, while fulfilling my materialistic need for more stuff that I don’t need.

I’m still going to buy shoes and glasses from companies that aim to make the world a better place…I just won’t let it be my mission field. Giving cannot be done without receiving, but it is not the goal. It’s just not possible to be a servant – To be on mission – To sacrifice your time, talents, money, health, welfare – And not be richly blessed.

My goal: To consciously store up heavenly rewards, not earthly materials.

XOXO, Beck

 

This Is What I’m Dealing With.

And all of the sudden she’s crying…

I’ve been telling her how she made me feel so insignificant…

How her sharp response sliced through my already thin skin…

And now she’s apologizing.

***

I’m such a jerk.

Always fighting…

Always trying…

To make you understand.

To make you see me for who I really am.

***

All of these thoughts go through my mind

The moment before she hands me a letter and says,

“This is what I’m dealing with.”

There’s so much hidden behind those tearful grey eyes…

She doesn’t need to have to manage my pettiness.

***

I’m such a jerk.

Always fighting…

Always trying…

To make you understand.

To make you see me for who I really am.

***

Can’t I love her enough

To just let her get away with

One little thing…

Not even one word gets past me.

***

I’m such a jerk.

Always fighting…

Always trying…

To make you understand.

To make you see me for who I really am.

***

But I promise I’ll try…

I’ll try to trust your love enough…

Enough to see beyond myself…

And not be another thing that you’re dealing with.